Fine
by FaithHopeLove
Summary: Post-ep for 'Goliath'. 'Sometimes I wonder if I can ever honestly utter those words...'


AN: Hi, everyone. Please review, I really want to gather some input on this. I wrote this in Science class (we were supposed to be doing review questions…why do in class what you can do for homework? LOL!), and it came close to making me cry. Find Kleenex. Now. You've been warned.

Spoilers: 'Goliath' 'Painless'. I make a reference to Olivia saying something to Elliot, and if this has ever appeared in an episode, I haven't seen it. But I can read between the lines.

* * *

**Elliot Stabler's POV**

I cover Anthony's eyes frantically, turning his head away. He doesn't need to see his father like that. I silently pray over and over that he won't blame himself. It's not his fault. I pull him closer as he starts to cry, wishing I could take away his pain, but knowing all to well that I can't. If anyone I knew tried to commit suicide in front of me, even know, a forty-year-old man, not much would comfort me. But he's just a little boy, really…and no matter how close I hold him, no matter how many times I tell him that it's okay…it's not okay, and nothing I can do will make it okay. And that kills me.

He resembles Dickie so much, for a moment it seems as if it is indeed my only son crying in my arms. My mind shifts, and I wonder if I've ever done anything that would make him hurt this much. Have I? He's my son…I'd rather die than hurt him.

I can't deny my thoughts, at least, not to myself. I've thought of killing myself after Kathy left. I even came close to doing it on one of those first nights alone in what used to be our home. I just didn't have the guts, I guess. As I look down at Anthony, I know that even if Kathy files for divorce, I won't do it. The thought of any one of my children sobbing in Olivia's arms over the news of my death is too much for me to even think about…I can't put anyone through that kind of pain. Not only because they're my children, and people I love, but also because I've worked all my life to try and end pain.

I wonder if John cried like this after his father killed himself? I look towards Anthony's father's dying body, and wonder…

I snap myself back to reality, and focus on Anthony. Dickie and John are going to have to wait, because right now, this boy is the one who needs me.

"Shhh," I whisper, trying to offer whatever comfort I can.

My attempts are in vain. And I know it.

* * *

Later, I sit at my desk, my eyes oblivious to the world around me, as I look at a picture of my kids. I want to be with my children right now more than anything. I want to pull them close to me, and tell them how much I love them, and that I'm sorry I was never there for them more as they grew up. I want to tell them that I'm sorry I wasn't there to wipe away their tears; sorry that I was too busy wiping away the world's tears. I want to tell them that I'm sorry I wasn't there to congratulate them when they achieved something; anything. I want to tell them that the problems Kathy and I are having aren't there fault. That, if anything, they were what kept us together, and the good that resulted from us. I remember once, Olivia told me that she felt like a mistake because of her mother's problems. I want my children to know that, even if my marriage to their mother didn't work out, they're not mistakes. They're blessings.

I flip open my cell phone, trying not to cry, cursing myself for ever thinking that I would leave my children for good. What kind of a father would that make me?

"Kathy, hi," I offer as she picks up the phone, hating the fact that she's answering the phone at a different residence than what used to be our home, "I need to see the kids…can I…"

I groan inside, realizing that I can't leave. There's no way of getting out of this precinct, not with a case like this going on, even if I'm only leaving for a few hours. I guess my groan was somewhat audible, because I hear someone clearing their throat, and gaze up to meet John's eyes.

"Elliot, go, I'll cover for you."

I smile my thanks, and re-focus my thoughts to Kathy.

"Can I drop by for a couple hours to see the kids?" I ask.

"So now you have time for us?" She snapped, then sighed. I know that sigh. She always sighs that way when she regrets something that she said. "I'm sorry, Ell…iot. Sure, they're here. Come on over."

"Thanks, Kathy. I'll see you later."

"No," She offers, "I'm going to go out for coffee with my mother. Go ahead and take your time with the kids."

"Okay," I say, hoping that she's not doing that for the exclusive reason of avoiding me, "Bye, Kathy."

"Goodbye, Elliot."

I hang up the phone and sigh, yet again.

"Wanna talk about it?" John asked. "Trust me, I can sympathize."

I laugh, half-heartedly.

"Really, the last thing I want is to talk about it, John. But I know that I have to. Sooner or later. I just…I don't know if I can yet."

I feel the tears welling up again.

"We promised forever, damnit! We promised that we would love each other, come what may, not parting until death! We promised each other when we had children that we would create a good family, a _whole _family, for them, within a world of so many pathetic ones!" I say, my voice rising,

"Kathy and I used to be so in love, John. What happened?"

"I don't know, Elliot. I really don't know why it happens. It just does, and no one person can be blamed. Marriage is a two-way thing, and it takes two people to destroy one. Well, three. Crappy marriage counselor's don't help that much either." John offers, cracking a joke at the perfect time.

"Sometimes I just don't think I can go on anymore, John." I say, tears in my eyes, "Kathy…was my first and only true, true love. I took her for granted, and she deserved more than that. Now she's gone, my house is empty, I see my kids once a week and…how is it possible to feel this dead when you're still alive?"

John just looks at me. He's not crying, but I know that he knows what I'm saying.

"People ask you everyday how you're doing, and you just smile and say 'fine'. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever honestly be able to say that again."

John smiles, sadly, and he puts his sunglasses on, even though we're inside a building.

"Go see your kids." He tells me, deathly quiet.

I walk towards the doors, about to walk into the afternoon sunlight of New York, somehow dead, yet living. It's warm outside. It seems as though even the weather wants to mock me.

* * *

"Dad!" Dickie exclaims as he throws the door open.

"Hey, buddy, how are you?"

"Great," He offered, "How about you?"

I don't know how to answer that, but Kathleen and Elizabeth save me as they walk in, followed by Maureen. I look at all four of my children. They look happy. Not just happy because I'm there, but really, truly, happy. Their faces say it all. Yes, they're hurting from the past, yet they're optimistic about the future. I realize that even though I haven't been there for them as much as I should have been in the past, there is no time like the present to start. To give them their father. And even though they may have a father that won't be at their house, or there for them every minute of every day, he can still be there. _I_ can still be there. They have their mother, and even if it didn't work out between Kathy and I, she is one amazing mother. They have a home. They have life. And even if it's not in the same place, they have their parents.

The sunlight falls on me, and I close my eyes for a minute to feel its warmth. I open my eyes, and embrace my life. I open my eyes to _meet_ my life. No, it's not all I want it to be. No, it isn't perfect. But it's life, and it's mine, and I just have to live with it, and live it to the full. I reach towards my children, ready to embrace all of them as they walk towards me. Ready to embrace the fact that I'm alive, inside and out.

Finally, I can answer my son's question.

"I'm fine, Dickie." I smile at him, pulling him into a hug, "I'm fine."

I burst into an even bigger smile as I realize that my words are true.


End file.
